Melissa Joan Hart and Louie Vito are goners. They should have taken Michael Irvin, too.
Attempting to inject a little drama in the loser rehash show, producers had a dance-off AND a lot of drastic introductions. But really, bad is bad. Melissa stumbled. Louie frequently stopped and Michael — who will live to dance another day — ain’t no Emmitt Smith.
Taylor Swift sang, too, but this wasn’t much different than the appearance she (and others) make on the Friday edition of the “Today” show.
Take away the drama — the fake drama — and this is just a rerun.
My advice: Tune in the last five minutes of the “results” show and you’ll be just fine.
Louie should have been doing those backflips weeks ago.

Who was trolling for a job Monday night? Yup. Paula Abdul. Sitting in the front with Lance Bass, she looked ready to pounce on the judge’s stand and say something disconnected. When Tom Bergeron came over to talk to her she, get this, actually made sense. She tried to jab Len Goodman, however, and the joke (which played off Simon Cowell’s name) didn’t land.

Funnier? Donny Osmond trying to make out with Bruno Tonioli. Bruno, though, is so out there even a make-out session with Donny wouldn’t shock. At this point, Donny shouldn’t resort to his sister’s tactics. He’s better than she was and doesn’t need to make funny to win votes.

He’s one of the better dancers but Mya is the one to beat. She got the first 10 of the season (actually two 10s) and has the line and performance ability of a true pro.

Michael Irvin, Debi Mazar and Chuck Liddell seem doomed. But Tom DeLay could pull out because he has not one but two stress fractures. It showed. He was bad.

Still, it’s early. Even Paula could take a spin on the floor. The show’s just that squirrelly.

Who saw that coming?

Sure, Ellen DeGeneres turned up on “So You Think You Can Dance.” But a singing show? Does she have any credentials in that area? What’s she going to judge? Their comic timing?

Yes, she’s a “get” for the show. But it’s not like “Idol” landed Whitney Houston. I’m sure she’ll be fun. But I’d still like Paula back. Even a drunk subdued Paula.

She’s more interesting…and supportive. Somehow having Ellen dance around you when you’re about to be shipped home doesn’t have the same appeal.

And, BTW, does this mean she’s tiring of her day job? She looked upset when she didn’t get her umpteenth Emmy earlier in the month. That might say the day shift is done.

You can learn a lot from reality TV. At least that’s what I’m trying to tell myself.

Just by watching the summer shows, I’ve learned:

Atlanta is all hot for “alter ego” photographs. (This from “The Real Housewives of Atlanta,” a show that suggests “real” does not mean “classy.”)

“Brad-itude” is when you get testy with your boss. (”The Rachel Zoe Project’s” assistant, Brad, sometimes melts down…and cries.)

“Why the pose?” (A comment from Rachel’s husband, Rodger, when she stands at the door with, um, Brad-itude.)

“You’ve got good hosting skills, but you tend to giggle too much.” (Apparently, a sin on “Design Star,” the HGTV show that’s going to pick yet another person to create ugly rooms out of plywood.)

“He’s going for the big balls.” (Honestly, they actually say that on “Wipeout.”)

And you thought television wasn’t educational.

Just when you thought an Osmond wouldn’t faint, we get word that Donny is going to be on “Dancing with the Stars.”
Joining him are (not Paula Abdul): singers Mya, Macy Gray, Aaron Carter (that’s called “career revival”); former politician Tom DeLay (a/k/a The First One Booted), actors Melissa Joan Hart, Debi Mazer and Ashley Hamilton (Dad was also on the show); models Joanna Krupa and Kathy Ireland; athletes Chuck Liddell, Louie Vito, Michael Irvin and Natalie Coughlin and reality show folk Kelly Osbourne and Mark Dacascos.

Why so many? They’re having double eliminations, which is good. Half these folks don’t even register on the D-List radar. The dancing begins Sept. 21

Katie Holmes turned up on “So You Think You Can Dance” Thursday night, performing a dance of sorts to Judy Garland’s “Get Happy.”

She lip-synched the song and, basically, was carried around the stage by the dancers. It wasn’t exactly a tribute to Garland (even though her son was in the audience) and it wasn’t done live.

The point? Methinks Mrs. Tom Cruise wants to become the next Catherine Zeta-Jones. (Either that or there’s a gig open on Broadway in “Chicago” which just happens to be steps away from the Scientology center.)

The performance was pretty pitiful, considering just one night earlier two contestants did a dance about a woman’s journey with breast cancer that was incredible — Emmy incredible.

Somehow, I think the producers knew the Holmes thing was going to be bad, too. They opened the show (their 100th) with “One” from “A Chorus Line.” That song basically talks about how dancers have to shore up a non-dancing star. Hmmm.

Also, the SYTYCD bunch is coming to Omaha in November for a show. If you just can’t get enough, get tickets now.

I have always maintained people don’t change much after high school. Oh, sure, they may make a few surprising career or relationship moves. But, basically, if they were jerks back then, they’re probably going to be jerks the rest of their lives.

Now, “Big Brother” proves the point. The low-rent summer reality show has contestants divided into “cliques” and they’re still just as obnoxious as they always were.

The show, though, is so cheesy, you know certain “types” wouldn’t even bother with it. The set looks like it was done by the “D” students in shop class. The kitchen is such a mess the home ec teacher would have a fit before she’d let anyone in it. (Worse yet? They all chug out of big discount bottles of soft drinks.)

Watch an episode and you’ll realize why high school is such a crucible for so many.

It’s so bad you just know there’s going to be a P.E. episode that will send chills up your spine.

You can tell it’s summer. There are really REALLY bad reality shows on the air.

How anyone can watch Heidi and Spencer Pratt on “The Hills” and not hate them instantly is a miracle. On “I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here” they’re so obnoxious they make Janice Dickinson look angelic. Obviously their superior attitude is an act (really, what have they done?) but the “they’re in, they’re out” bit wears thin even for faux reality stars.

Nobody on the show deserves the “celebrity” label but Sanjaya is redeeming himself from his “Idol” days. He likes doing the jungle stuff and, bug bites aside, he looks engaged.

There’s another Baldwin in the show, too, (how many of  those kids are there?) and he looks like a heavier version of Alec (if that’s possible). He’s Danny and he did a stint on a celebrity rehab program. Stephen — the one from “Celebrity Apprentice” is here, too, which suggests Danny could get that gig next January.

The show, though, is so low-end its “challenges” look like stuff you wouldn’t see sideshow freaks doing in a carnival. Watch and you’ll see. It’s a new low. No wonder Janice wants off.

Say what? Kris Allen won “American Idol”?
That proves this is more a popularity competition than a singing contest. You could see the judges were pretty stunned, too, that Adam Lambert didn’t take it.
Could it have been because everyone expected Adam to win..,and didn’t? Or was it Kris’ all-American appeal?
Wednesday’s shocker was preceded by more filler than the Octomom’s hamburgers. A bunch of oldies (and we do mean oldies) sang with the contestants. In the end, Adam and Kris sang “We are the Champions” with what’s left of Queen.
Kara DioGuardi even warbled (and she was good) when Bikini Girl came out and nabbed one of the goofball trophies “AI” has taken to giving. Tara del Toro and Nick Mitchell got ‘em too, helping the show stretch past the two-hour mark.
Thankfully, the judges were pretty muzzled throughout. Paula Abdul stood repeatedly and Kara tried to look like she was just as hot as the contestants.
Among other observations:
1. Some contestants didn’t leave soon enough, judging from their performances. (Megan Joy, this means you.)
2. Michael Sarver hasn’t passed up many buffets since he was voted off.
3. Danny Gokey modeled four different pairs of glasses. The deal must be in place.
4. Kris is now the first married winner of “Idol.” Strangely, his wife was never interviewed.
5. When Adam sang with KISS it looked like he was wearing one of his leftover costumes from “Wicked.”
6. Bikini Girl got two big presents.
7. Remember…Jennifer Hudson didn’t win and got an Oscar.
8. Does anyone really want to buy Kris’ first single – particularly since it’s out of his range?
9. Justin Guarini was in the audience. Was he an usher? Or did they really want him there?
10. This had to be the longest “Idol” competition in history.
Seacrest out.

Iowan Shawn Johnson is still America’s golden girl.
Tuesday night the gymnast became the third Olympian to win the mirrored-ball trophy on “Dancing with the Stars.” Her partner, Mark Ballas, became a two-time winner (having previously won with Kristi Yamaguchi).
They bested Gilles Marini and Cheryl Burke, who came in second, and Melissa Rycroft and Tony Dovolani who came in third.
Truly? Gilles and Cheryl should have won. The two were exquisite throughout the series and had the moves that define ballroom dancers. Shawn’s edge? There’s a popular vote that factors in and could give a dark horse the edge. Remember Kelly Monaco? Remember Emmitt Smith? John O’Hurley and Joey Lawrence were considered locks. They didn’t win. Neither did Stacy Keibler, Mario Lopez, Joey Fatone or Mel B.
Athletes, though, do have someting special. They know pressure. Apolo Anton Ohno, Helio Castroneves and Smith came from the ranks.
Tuesday, Johnson looked great. She performed wonderfully and removed the doubts anyone might have had.
Still, Gilles was consistently the best and should have won.
What does this mean? Gilles will get an acting gig. Shawn will become the darling of Disney (which owns ABC, by the way). Melissa doesn’t have to go back to “The Bachelor.”
A good choice? Sure. Shawn’s from Iowa and she does the state proud. Even better? She shows there is life after the Olympics.
Golden? Of course.
But Gilles will still be the king of the Argentine tango. And, as Shawn would tell him, silver ain’t half bad, either.