Amy and I are back at the Y for round two of Desperate Measures. Many of the original eight are still going strong and it’s just as hard as it was the first time. The only difference? We’ve come to view it as a regular part of our lives.
Maybe that’s one of the lessons we’re learning: Exercise shouldn’t be an exception, it should be the rule. (Yeah, right, I’m sounding too philosophical for someone who still needs to lose weight.)
Anyway, I somehow managed to MISS the session last time that involved water. As in water aerobics.
So, Angela said we’d get a second shot at it this term. Others may embrace the water. I fear it.
I grew up in North Dakota. We didn’t have a lot of water there. Swimming wasn’t my sport (like there was one).
Oh, sure, I’ve splashed around in pools but I’ve never strayed too far from the steps.
Saturday, I faced down two fears: Appearing in public in a swimming suit and getting in a pool and actually doing something.
I realized if you wear a T-shirt until the very last possible moment the first fear isn’t so bad. The second, well, we’ll see. The water was cold when we first got in. Then we started splashing around a bit and it didn’t seem so bad.
Angela, however, wouldn’t leave well enough alone, so she cooked up some oddball moves that you’d never do on land, much less under water. That got the heart pumping just in time for NOODLES. Now, I don’t know where it says some little styrofoam tube is going to hold you up, but she had it in her head that we could actually hold it behind our waists and “pedal” across the pool without touching the bottom. Yeah, right. I was more successful with a blue board but that thing kept shooting out from my butt. By the time we got to the “cool down” phase I was sweaty (good thing we were in the pool).
Angela said we would burn 200 to 500 calories in the pool, but I’m not so sure. Just the tension in my fingers when I gripped the side of the pool should have counted for a couple hundred alone.
Still, I’d probably do this again. It wasn’t that bad.
And as long as I keep my T-shirt nearby, no one will see how truly bad I look in a swimming suit.
Fears faced: 2
Fears conquered: Maybe 1.

OK, I didn’t win.
There. Are you happy?
Tim and Ronnie were the big losers.
Good for them.
I mean, I’m really happy for them. Double-digit weight loss and all. Big deal, right?
No. I’m not a sore loser. (Oh, wait a minute. Maybe, I am. My legs still hurt.)
No. “Desperate Measures” ended well for me. I lost five pounds (and gained five and lost another 10), lowered my blood pressure, lowered my body fat, increased my flexibility and my muscle mass, learned how to do stupid sit-ups (with your arms crossed, no less — and I managed 12 in a minute) and realized I can actually fit into most of the pants in my closet now.
The program, for me, was an astounding success. I had fun losing weight (can you believe that?), I got to know some great people even better and I realized I didn’t need fast food seven days a week.
I’m eating better, sleeping better and feeling guilty if I don’t work out once a day.
Ronnie Lee and Tony Michaels topped the leader board. My partner, Amy Hynds, was the top female “loser.”
And everyone in the competition made great gains in all areas of fitness. Six weeks ago, we couldn’t have said that.
Now, most of us are looking to re-up for another six weeks. We figure we can drop more weight, make it through those crucial holiday months and look great for New Year’s Eve.
Success? You bet. We have the Y to thank for that.
Angela and Melissa put up with a lot of complaining (largely from me) and produced big results.
If you need the jumpstart, give ‘em a call and tell ‘em Bruce sent you.
You’ll be glad you did — particularly when you fit into last year’s Christmas outfit.
Now, about that M&M drawer in my kitchen.
Got any ideas?

I was convinced this was going to be a big weight-loss week for me. As Gomer Pyle would say, “Surprise, surprise.” I didn’t gain. Or lose.
So what does that mean? Could I have done just as well with a few more hamburgers, Cokes and fries in my stomach? Or am I just in a holding pattern waiting to take off?
I’m leaning toward the latter, but wave a red meat burger in front of my face and I’ll make like El Toro and charge.
Saturday, I stood for 12 hours during the Lamb Baaa-nefit which, I think, should count as some kind of exercise.
Since I didn’t get to work out that day, I decided to make up for it Sunday. Stupid. I took a biking class, did machine work AND played tennis. Can you say, “My knees have given out?” They hurt so bad I was looking online for artificial limb manufacturers (I could cut off a leg, lose weight and still be able to make it to tap dance class on Monday!).
So far, though, I have noticed a loosening of the belt, so to speak. And that’s great. I don’t need no stinkin’ scales to judge me. I have pants!
I also have people who are willing to help me stay on the right path. A woman at McDonald’s asked me if I should be ordering a salad instead of a sandwich. A clerk at Hy Vee told me I should ignore the deli section and buy fruit.
So, there’s that support system. My partner in crime, Amy Hynds, was a big loser this week (yay for her!) but she has two sons to lift…so there’s that.
I’m hoping everything will come together at once — my kitchen remodel will be done, the weight will disappear and I’ll be ready for Halloween.
Candy.

Four and a half pounds, baby!
That’s how much I lost in the second week of the Y’s Desperate Measures program. (Granted I had GAINED three pounds the week before, but I’m still seeing it as a victory.)
This week some of the exercises have gotten easier (don’t tell our trainer, Angela) and I don’t ache for hours after we’ve finished. I also fit a suit that I didn’t think was going to make it over one leg and I was pretty good about eating right.
My diet: Activia, Bananas, Healthy sandwich, Activia, Bananas, Healthy sandwich, two Cokes.
I’ve eaten so much chicken I know I’m going to be sprouting feathers any day now. Angela brought us some nuts one night (yeah, the dreaded nuts) and they weren’t bad. They were almonds covered in cocoa and they almost sorta kinda tasted like chocolate.
I pined for a bag of M&Ms, but we got a calorie book in the mail and it said one M was five calories. Honestly, I used to polish off three cups of them every night. I saw a stray one in a candy dish at home and almost ate it. Instead, I decided to focus on the next day’s chicken sandwich.
I did, however, have a crappy fast-food burger last night. I had gone three weeks without one and I was beginning to think I was burger deficient. It was OK, but the guilt set in quickly thereafter. (Now, about the fries…)
All of the folks in the program are doing well. We had like a mini-meeting Wednesday and they all looked thinner and fitter. I’m waiting for the day when we can crash through pictures of our old fat selves and we’re all wearing Spandex and heart monitors. (See Amy’s take on the program at my.siouxlandvoice.com/post/amyhynds/blog/desperate_measures_week_3.html)
Say a prayer. I hear next week’s going to be killer.
Four more pounds, baby!

How’s this for intimidating: I arrive at the YMCA to mark the end of the first week of “Desperate Measures” and what do I see? TRI-ATHLETES! That’s right. They’re holding a triathlon. There was more Spandex there than an ’80s disco. And most of the people wearing it were fit. Me? I was just thrilled to be able to get up at 8 a.m.

The first week, though, has been quite an eye-opener. Among the things I’ve learned:

1. Even if you vomit, clutch your chest and fall to the floor, a trainer will try to get you to do “one more.”

2. When someone says, “This is really fun” before you try it, don’t be so gullible. It may not be.

3. All people do not wipe off the machines. Take precautions, wipe them off before you use them. (This message sponsored by the “Don’t Get H1N1″ Committee.)

4. A nut is not a snack. (I was told instead of plowing through a big bag of M&M’s at night I could have a handful seven nuts.

5. Seven nuts do not begin to compare with a big bag of M&M’s.

6. After one week, some of those tight pants will begin to feel a little looser.

7. At some point, a vision of you wearing fitted clothing will appear, thus fueling your desire to come back another day.

8. Fit people can be nice. They’ll say encouraging things like, “You’re doing well! Good job! Keep it up!” But you wonder if, under their breath, they’re thinking, “He’ll never make it.”

9. Blood pressure does go down if you exercise.

10. All those problems you have at home and at work disappear at the gym. You’re so busy trying to stay alive you don’t remember them. And when you get home you’re so exhausted you couldn’t possibly waste time worrying about them.

Week one? It went well. Now, let’s see some results. I’ve got Spandex to wear.

Have you started to feel sluggish? Are your clothes too tight? Do you find yourself eating to relieve stress?
Then you’re just like me — in a real slump. When I realized only three pairs of pants fit comfortably (and two of them had elastic waistbands), I knew it was time to do something.
Enter: Marcy Peterson. You know Marcy — the health video guru at siouxcityjournal.com. She said The Norman Waitt Sr. YMCA in South Sioux City had a new program called “Desperate Measures” and its trainers were looking for participants for a “media” edition. It’d run six weeks and we’d probably get our old bodies back. Two people would be on each team. We’d have goals to reach and, by god, I’d get abs of Brad (as in Pitt). Sign me up, I said. And then I “persuaded” Amy Hynds, the designer of Siouxland Life, The Weekender and more publications than you care to imagine, to join me. (Since she sits right across from me, she probably figured she’d hear about my participation anyway, so she might as well join.)
Saturday, we checked in. The teams are great (more about them later) but the first day was brutal — and that just involved picking the right size T-shirt. We had to go through some “testing” (i.e. measuring) and “simple” exercises. I couldn’t get a single sit-up done. (Ask them how screwy they do them. They’re hard.) Then, we went to a fitness class and Angela (who will become a continuing character in this saga — trust me) put us through our paces for what seemed like an eternity. We did step aerobics, weight training and abs. Several left early (I’m not naming names). After it was over, I high-tailed it to McDonald’s.
BTW: We’re supposed to eat healthy, too. By the time I got home I was so spent I took a nap.
The killer? We’re doing stuff like this every day. Every DAY. EVERY DAY! I am currently on Day 5 and my arms and legs hurt like hell.
Amy got sick yesterday, so she’s losing weight the easy way.
I will say, though, I put on the “wrong” pair of pants yesterday and I wasn’t miserable.
Could this thing be working?

We’ll continue to update you on the Blog. Look for our Desperate Measures thoughts every Thursday. That is, if we make it until then.