Have you started to feel sluggish? Are your clothes too tight? Do you find yourself eating to relieve stress?
Then you’re just like me — in a real slump. When I realized only three pairs of pants fit comfortably (and two of them had elastic waistbands), I knew it was time to do something.
Enter: Marcy Peterson. You know Marcy — the health video guru at siouxcityjournal.com. She said The Norman Waitt Sr. YMCA in South Sioux City had a new program called “Desperate Measures” and its trainers were looking for participants for a “media” edition. It’d run six weeks and we’d probably get our old bodies back. Two people would be on each team. We’d have goals to reach and, by god, I’d get abs of Brad (as in Pitt). Sign me up, I said. And then I “persuaded” Amy Hynds, the designer of Siouxland Life, The Weekender and more publications than you care to imagine, to join me. (Since she sits right across from me, she probably figured she’d hear about my participation anyway, so she might as well join.)
Saturday, we checked in. The teams are great (more about them later) but the first day was brutal — and that just involved picking the right size T-shirt. We had to go through some “testing” (i.e. measuring) and “simple” exercises. I couldn’t get a single sit-up done. (Ask them how screwy they do them. They’re hard.) Then, we went to a fitness class and Angela (who will become a continuing character in this saga — trust me) put us through our paces for what seemed like an eternity. We did step aerobics, weight training and abs. Several left early (I’m not naming names). After it was over, I high-tailed it to McDonald’s.
BTW: We’re supposed to eat healthy, too. By the time I got home I was so spent I took a nap.
The killer? We’re doing stuff like this every day. Every DAY. EVERY DAY! I am currently on Day 5 and my arms and legs hurt like hell.
Amy got sick yesterday, so she’s losing weight the easy way.
I will say, though, I put on the “wrong” pair of pants yesterday and I wasn’t miserable.
Could this thing be working?

We’ll continue to update you on the Blog. Look for our Desperate Measures thoughts every Thursday. That is, if we make it until then.

When they praise you for your beauty and grace, you know you’re not in the running for “Best Dancer.”
So it went for Kathy Ireland Wednesday night when she was the third celeb voted off “Dancing with the Stars.”

Clunky — that’s more like it. She had trouble moving. But, really, she wasn’t any worse than Tom DeLay or some of the other hangers-on. The show, in fact, should have dumped two this week instead of one.

This means, we’re in for a long fall and, possibly, a longer winter.

The “Stars” are dimming. Rapidly.

You know when the judges start talking about what a “great story” you have to tell, you’re toast. The three (including Baz Luhrmann, filling in for Len Goodman) touted Chuck Liddell’s and Kelly Osbourne’s “stories” after they stunk up the joint with bad dancing. (Truthfully, I think they were scared of Chuck. He looked ready to pounce.)

Tom DeLay played the injury card (we haven’t seen limping like that since the Marie Osmond days) and looked like he’s ready to go this week.

The good ones? Aaron Carter (who had pretty good speed), Donny Osmond (who reined in the mugging) and Mya (who’s my favorite).

Louie Vito, though, has a kind of charm that could turn into Anton Apolo Ono moves and Joanna Krupa could be good if she just quit looking like a porn star.

Debi Mazar’s ready to go; Kathy Ireland already went, mentally, and Natalie Coughlin struggles.

I’m voting DeLay and Ireland this week — they’re old and weak.

That should leave the field fairly even for a few weeks. Interesting.

Meanwhile, Tom Bergeron continues to offer up some pretty snarky comments. He compared Joanna’s wig to “Bert Lahr’s old wardrobe.”

Keep it up, Tom. You’re just what we need.

Oh, that live television. You never know if Justin Timberlake is going to rip Janet Jackson’s bra or if Bono is going to let loose with a certain word.
Well, Bono was around Saturday night but he wasn’t the one who dropped the F-bomb. That honor went to Jenny Slate, a new member of the “Saturday Night Live” cast. She was in a skit called “Biker Chick Chat” and the whole premise was built around tough women using a substitute word for “the” word. Since the dialogue was fast, it seemed likely someone was going to slip. But censors should have used more than a five-second delay on a skit like that.
That, or network television should reconsider its rules about profanity. Considering basic cable drops certain words with abandon, it’s not an even playing field.
I’m not advocating that standards go out the window, just a cold hard look at what’s acceptable at various hours of the night.
Interestingly, Bono and his band were bleeped during a closing number. Do you suppose someone roused the censor just in time?

Ads for the new (and last) Michael Jackson movie are cropping up with a PG rating. The reason? Suggestive choreography and scary images. What, specifically, are they classifying as a “scary” image? Hmmm.

The film opens Oct. 28 for two weeks. Sorta like the “Hannah Montana” movie. Only “Hannah” didn’t have scary images.

You have until Oct. 4 to see the big bugs at Iowa Lakeside Laboratory in Okoboji.

How big are they? Let’s just say you could use them in a ’50s sci-fi film and not have to worry about hiring special effects experts. As you walk along the rolling hills (which, by the way, give you a pretty good workout), you come upon the bugs. Some hide pretty well in the grass and they’re a treat to find. Really.

Take a look…then plot your trip. It’s worth the drive and the kids will love ‘em. When was the last time you heard that about bugs?

Ashley Hamilton and Macy Gray were the first to be dumped from this season’s “Dancing with the Stars.”

Which means?
With Gray out, the “star” power has gone down considerably. (Really.) And?

The Hamilton family record of losing is intact.

The professionals did a nice tribute to Patrick Swayze and “The Lion King” trotted out its opening number for the umpteenth time. (Talk about cross-promotion. The Disney musical is based on a Disney film, promoted on a Disney network.)

Better than all that? “Glee’s” tribute to Beyonce and “Single Ladies.” It was so great I’m waiting for the first football team to tackle it.

It’ll happen, just wait and see.

Meanwhile, plan to tune in during the last five minutes of the “Stars” results shows. No need to waste a whole hour watching recaps and false tension. You gotta get ready for better shows. Scripted shows.

Like “Glee.”

Bruce Miller previews “Fame,” “Surrogates” and “Pandorum” in this week’s Movies in a Minute.

The good news: The women are better than the men.
The bad: They look like clones of other, more famous women.
Joanna Krupa is a discount Cameron Diaz. Natalie Coughlin could double for Denise Richards. Debi Mazar could play Barbie, the early years.
These are stars?
Still, Mya and Kelly Osbourne had great moves and Kelly looked spectacular.
Macy Gray, on the other hand, was so, um, odd she seemed like she was channeling Cloris Leachman.
Kelly’s mom, Sharon, was in the audience with Ozzy and (how do we say this?) it looked like she had been to the Botox pit one too many times. Was “America’s Got Talent” that tough on her? She resembled Priscilla Presley.

The female leaders: Joanna, Mya and Kelly.
Sir Mugs-a-lot: Derek Hough.
Missing in Action: Kathy Griffin. This almost cries for her participation. “My Life on the D-List”? This is it kid. This is it.

You’ve got to go to Theatermania.com and watch Sioux City’s Cassie Wooley compete in the New York Music Festival’s Next Broadway star competition. She’s in the finals and, judging from the video, I’m betting she’s going to win.

Cassie, you know, is the daughter of Russell and Diana Wooley from Lamb Productions. If you happened to see last year’s Baa-nefit, you know how truly gifted she is.

Now, quick! Get to that website!