Group helps Siouxlanders deal with loss of loved ones
By Joanne Fox, Journal staff writer | Posted: Sunday, February 05, 2006
Peggy Pohlen, left of Hospers, Iowa, and Trudy Klaver, right of Le Mars, Iowa, hold photos of sons, Michael and James respectively, who died in 2003. The two women serve as co-leaders of Compassionate Friends. (Staff photos by Jerry Mennenga)
The heartbreak may ease with the passage of time, but it never goes away.
And after the crushing grief comes the overwhelming sensation of isolation.
Your child is dead.
There are no words, no flowers, no overtures that other people can offer to take away the depth of the sadness.
Unless they have been through the same agony.
Started in England in 1969, Compassionate Friends is a national, nonprofit organization with over 600 chapters in the United States, including one in Sioux City. The group assists families in the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child, at any age, and to provide information in how to cope with that grief.
The Sioux City chapter has been in existence for over 20 years. For a good number of years, it was under the leadership of Cleo Sipma of Hull, Iowa. She and her husband Allen (he died in 2002) lost two children, Mailon Leigh in 1986 and Lynden in 1998.
When Sipma retired over a year ago, the organization took on co-leadership. Trudy Klaver of Le Mars, Iowa and Peggy Pohlen of Hospers, Iowa stepped forward to become chapter co-leaders.
Klaver and her husband Ken became involved in the organization in memory of their son James. At the age of 18, James was diagnosed with leukemia in April 1999. He fought the disease valiantly until he died July 9, 2003.
"We received a letter in the mail after James' death telling us about Compassionate Friends, but we were struggling with our grief and really, just still fresh in it, so we didn't check it out immediately," Klaver said. "Eventually, we agreed we felt we had to look into it because we were feeling so alone."
Pohlen and her husband Dan lost their six-year-old son Michael in a May 27, 2003 farm accident. She said it was her parish priest who encouraged them to look into Compassionate Friends. She recalled being literally sick prior to attending her first meeting.
"It's so hard to take that first step," she recalled.
Pohlen had been to two meetings when the newsletter editor (at that time Gina Jelkin of Hinton, Iowa) called about the possibility of her leading the group.
"I told her I thought that possibility was a long ways away," she said.
Jelkin introduced Klaver and Pohlen and encouraged the two to consider being co-leaders.
"We both had the same ideas immediately and dove into our new partnership having been perfect strangers," Pohlen marveled.
A resource the two used and continue to use with the group is "Understanding Your Grief" by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, a noted author, teacher and grief counselor.
"I just returned from a grief conference that featured him and it was outstanding," Klaver said. "We also started a lending library recently with other books on grief to help our members."
Because bereaved parents walk a similar road, a group like Compassionate Friends presents a way for them to bond together.
"Trudy's son died from cancer and mine from an accident, but the helplessness, the 'where do you turn' is similar to both situations," Pohlen explained.
"What's amazing to me is that no matter what anyone says in this group setting, no one else finds it strange," Klaver said. "People may fear what others who have not lost a child may think, but that's never the case here."
The meetings are structured about the "Understanding Your Grief" book with an opportunity for people to speak, be heard and affirmed, or remain silent, listen and belong.
"I've often referred to this as a Safe Haven," Klaver said. "People come here because they feel alone. They also want to be understood that maybe two years have gone by since the death of their child and they continue to grieve. Others may ask them why they aren't better. Not us."
"You don't get over it," Pohlen insisted. "What you do is integrate or weave that loss into your life. It's a new kind of normal."
The finality of death which the group acknowledges is not the finality of that child's life, both women felt.
"Sure, James is physically dead, but he's alive in my life," Klaver explained. "I know he lives with God in heaven."
"When Michael was killed, I decided to let some of Michael's spirit lived through me and something positive in his memory," Pohlen added. "I thought I could positively affect others by becoming a Compassionate Friends co-leader."
The story of Compassionate Friends goes beyond one of loss. It is also one of love, caring and sharing in the idea that, "We need not walk alone," said Klaver.
"When people come to the meeting, both Peggy and I meet them at the door and welcome them and ask about their child who died and express our sympathy," she added. "We're not afraid to ask them particulars about their child."
"Some evenings I don't feel like I've spent enough time with each person," Pohlen said of meetings which could include about 25 people. "When the meeting is over, I make sure it's all about hugs."
Both women stressed that they weren't trained therapists, only grieving parents. Klaver is a teachers' assistant. Pohlen is a stay-at-home-mom. Klaver acknowledged that the group might not be for everyone, although they have a good mix of men and women who attend.
"It's very hard, that first meeting," she admitted. "I try to tell people to allow about three meetings before there's a comfortable feeling."
Fellowship is part of the Compassionate Friends meeting. Stanley and Judy Yates of Sioux Center, Iowa, were in charge of refreshments for this meeting. Their story was one that illustrated how serendipitous grief can be.
Stanley began coming to meetings in 1988. His daughter Maria Lynn died in 1985, ten days before her 16th birthday in a car accident. He lost his wife in 1987.
"I had no idea Judy lived about eight miles from me," Stanley said.
Judy lost two children, her 18-month-old daughter Cheryl Ranae Punt in 1964 and her 13-year-old son Brian Lee Punt in 1982. She attended her first meeting in 1991. Her husband died in 1990.
The two married in 1992. That joyous occasion was marred by the loss of "their" grandchild, Anthony Bryant Hoekstra, at birth, Judy said, even though it was her daughter's son.
"We keep coming to the meetings because we want others to know there is life after these things happen," Judy insisted.
Compassionate Friends is eager to get the word out about its resources. Funeral homes within a 50-mile radius of Sioux City have received information on the group. Packets will be sent to churches, however there is no religious affiliation with the group.
"The vision of Compassionate Friends is that everyone who needs us will find us and everyone who finds us will be helped," Klaver said.
Check it out
The Sioux City Chapter of Compassionate Friends meets the fourth Wednesday of each month at 7 p.m. in Mercy Medical Center's Leiter Room. Call (712) 279-2989 or visit its website at www.tcfsiouxcity.org.
And after the crushing grief comes the overwhelming sensation of isolation.
Your child is dead.
There are no words, no flowers, no overtures that other people can offer to take away the depth of the sadness.
Unless they have been through the same agony.
Started in England in 1969, Compassionate Friends is a national, nonprofit organization with over 600 chapters in the United States, including one in Sioux City. The group assists families in the positive resolution of grief following the death of a child, at any age, and to provide information in how to cope with that grief.
The Sioux City chapter has been in existence for over 20 years. For a good number of years, it was under the leadership of Cleo Sipma of Hull, Iowa. She and her husband Allen (he died in 2002) lost two children, Mailon Leigh in 1986 and Lynden in 1998.
When Sipma retired over a year ago, the organization took on co-leadership. Trudy Klaver of Le Mars, Iowa and Peggy Pohlen of Hospers, Iowa stepped forward to become chapter co-leaders.
Klaver and her husband Ken became involved in the organization in memory of their son James. At the age of 18, James was diagnosed with leukemia in April 1999. He fought the disease valiantly until he died July 9, 2003.
"We received a letter in the mail after James' death telling us about Compassionate Friends, but we were struggling with our grief and really, just still fresh in it, so we didn't check it out immediately," Klaver said. "Eventually, we agreed we felt we had to look into it because we were feeling so alone."
Pohlen and her husband Dan lost their six-year-old son Michael in a May 27, 2003 farm accident. She said it was her parish priest who encouraged them to look into Compassionate Friends. She recalled being literally sick prior to attending her first meeting.
"It's so hard to take that first step," she recalled.
Pohlen had been to two meetings when the newsletter editor (at that time Gina Jelkin of Hinton, Iowa) called about the possibility of her leading the group.
"I told her I thought that possibility was a long ways away," she said.
Jelkin introduced Klaver and Pohlen and encouraged the two to consider being co-leaders.
"We both had the same ideas immediately and dove into our new partnership having been perfect strangers," Pohlen marveled.
A resource the two used and continue to use with the group is "Understanding Your Grief" by Dr. Alan D. Wolfelt, a noted author, teacher and grief counselor.
"I just returned from a grief conference that featured him and it was outstanding," Klaver said. "We also started a lending library recently with other books on grief to help our members."
Because bereaved parents walk a similar road, a group like Compassionate Friends presents a way for them to bond together.
"Trudy's son died from cancer and mine from an accident, but the helplessness, the 'where do you turn' is similar to both situations," Pohlen explained.
"What's amazing to me is that no matter what anyone says in this group setting, no one else finds it strange," Klaver said. "People may fear what others who have not lost a child may think, but that's never the case here."
The meetings are structured about the "Understanding Your Grief" book with an opportunity for people to speak, be heard and affirmed, or remain silent, listen and belong.
"I've often referred to this as a Safe Haven," Klaver said. "People come here because they feel alone. They also want to be understood that maybe two years have gone by since the death of their child and they continue to grieve. Others may ask them why they aren't better. Not us."
"You don't get over it," Pohlen insisted. "What you do is integrate or weave that loss into your life. It's a new kind of normal."
The finality of death which the group acknowledges is not the finality of that child's life, both women felt.
"Sure, James is physically dead, but he's alive in my life," Klaver explained. "I know he lives with God in heaven."
"When Michael was killed, I decided to let some of Michael's spirit lived through me and something positive in his memory," Pohlen added. "I thought I could positively affect others by becoming a Compassionate Friends co-leader."
The story of Compassionate Friends goes beyond one of loss. It is also one of love, caring and sharing in the idea that, "We need not walk alone," said Klaver.
"When people come to the meeting, both Peggy and I meet them at the door and welcome them and ask about their child who died and express our sympathy," she added. "We're not afraid to ask them particulars about their child."
"Some evenings I don't feel like I've spent enough time with each person," Pohlen said of meetings which could include about 25 people. "When the meeting is over, I make sure it's all about hugs."
Both women stressed that they weren't trained therapists, only grieving parents. Klaver is a teachers' assistant. Pohlen is a stay-at-home-mom. Klaver acknowledged that the group might not be for everyone, although they have a good mix of men and women who attend.
"It's very hard, that first meeting," she admitted. "I try to tell people to allow about three meetings before there's a comfortable feeling."
Fellowship is part of the Compassionate Friends meeting. Stanley and Judy Yates of Sioux Center, Iowa, were in charge of refreshments for this meeting. Their story was one that illustrated how serendipitous grief can be.
Stanley began coming to meetings in 1988. His daughter Maria Lynn died in 1985, ten days before her 16th birthday in a car accident. He lost his wife in 1987.
"I had no idea Judy lived about eight miles from me," Stanley said.
Judy lost two children, her 18-month-old daughter Cheryl Ranae Punt in 1964 and her 13-year-old son Brian Lee Punt in 1982. She attended her first meeting in 1991. Her husband died in 1990.
The two married in 1992. That joyous occasion was marred by the loss of "their" grandchild, Anthony Bryant Hoekstra, at birth, Judy said, even though it was her daughter's son.
"We keep coming to the meetings because we want others to know there is life after these things happen," Judy insisted.
Compassionate Friends is eager to get the word out about its resources. Funeral homes within a 50-mile radius of Sioux City have received information on the group. Packets will be sent to churches, however there is no religious affiliation with the group.
"The vision of Compassionate Friends is that everyone who needs us will find us and everyone who finds us will be helped," Klaver said.
Check it out
The Sioux City Chapter of Compassionate Friends meets the fourth Wednesday of each month at 7 p.m. in Mercy Medical Center's Leiter Room. Call (712) 279-2989 or visit its website at www.tcfsiouxcity.org.
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