In tough times, breaking up is hard to do
By Meagan Sextonmsexton@siouxcityjournal.com | Posted: Sunday, November 23, 2008
SIOUX CITY -- Bonnie Rabin is fond of saying that divorce lawyers are a bit like liquor stores. They're busiest in the really good times, and the really bad.
These, of course, would be the bad times.
After all, "Money is THE great source of stress in relationships," says Rabin, one of five partners in a Manhattan matrimonial firm,
And so it stands to reason that in such a dire time -- when "virtually every day, I hear from a client who's lost their job," Rabin says -- troubled relationships become more troubled. And once seemingly solid unions begin to fray.
Terry Hey, a clinical therapist for Siouxland Mental Health in Sioux City, agrees with Rabin.
Hey said money issues are one of the biggest causes of stress in a marriage, whether the economy is good or bad.
Talk to local attorneys, and you get a variety of observations about how the current economic downturn is affecting the divorce rate.
Sioux City attorney Brian Vakulskas said he has seen a decline in divorces involving custody disputes and those with few assets.
He said many couples in Siouxland are choosing to stick out their troubled marriages because they can't afford an attorney to divide their assets and parents don't have the funds to fight for custody of their children.
"It's a fight they should fight, but they can't afford to at this point," Vakulskas said.
Vakulskas, who handles around 50 divorces a year, also said he has seen a substantial drop in couples fighting over assets because with the bad economy, a person's bargaining power changes.
"The net worth of people changes as they proceed through the divorce, and so, of course your bargaining power changes when all of a sudden the 401(k) that you had was worth $250,000 back last March is now worth $150,000," he said. "People are losing a lot of bargaining power that way when it comes to negotiating settlements in divorces with people that have considerable assets."
Meanwhile, Elizabeth Rosenbaum, an attorney who practices family law in Sioux City, said she has noticed an increase in dissolution of marriages in Iowa.
"I think that the financial strains are pushing people over the edge," Rosenbaum said. "There were a lot of people living beyond their means to begin with. Now, with the stark reality of our economy, they are just not able to make ends meet."
Vakulskas said divorces are always messy but get nastier when the economy gets rough.
"I think the overall tension of economic stress of being in a bad economy contributes to the nastiness people are willing to engage in," he said.
There's a common notion that one of two U.S. marriages ends in divorce, but many experts believe the real number is more likely between 40 percent and 45 percent. And although statistics show that divorce has been on the decline in America for the past 25 years, after peaking in 1981, it's way too early to know the impact of the current financial crisis on divorce rates.
The divorce rate did drop sharply during the Great Depression -- couples delayed marriages as well -- but that wasn't necessarily a good thing, says Stephanie Coontz, who teaches history and family studies at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash.
"At the time, people wrote that a silver lining of the Depression was that marriages were being saved," says Coontz. "But domestic violence rates went up. When people are forced by economic pressures to stay in a marriage that has already gone south, that's not good for them or for their kids."
Anecdotal evidence seems to show that divorces may have slowed down in recent months. Coontz says she's heard from some attorneys that they're seeing fewer divorce filings, and the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers got a similar result when it polled its members.
In numbers released last week, 37 percent of the group's 1,600 members said they saw a decrease in divorce cases during national economic downturns. Forty-four percent said they saw no change, and 19 percent said they saw an increase.
"One thing we always see in a bad economy is fear," explains the academy's president, Gary Nickelson, a longtime matrimonial lawyer in Fort Worth, Texas. "People may want out of their marriages -- but they want to be OK, too."
And most divorces, he says, are not rash decisions made during fits of passion. "If you come home and catch your spouse in bed with someone -- then, yeah, you might run and file for divorce," he says. "But that's not how most of these things occur. Most people take a long time to take action. So when the economy turns bad, the marriage may not be the best situation, but at least it's a known."
Nickelson, who's seen that phenomenon in his own practice, is not worried about his business; he says his firm could survive for months simply on work that's waiting to get done. "But are we seeing a lot of new people flooding our doors? No."
-- The Associated Press contributed to this report.
How couples can deal with money issues
Terry Hey, a clinical therapist for Siouxland Mental Health in Sioux City, offers some suggestions about how couples can cope with financial stress.
She said these recommendations only scratch the surface if there are problems in a relationship.
How should couples work through relationship issues caused by finances?
Both people will have to work together and set their priorities. They should try to work together and tell each other, "We can do this," and tell themselves that the bad economy or financial strain is a temporary situation.
What are some signs that finances are causing problems in the relationship?
You fight. They are going to fight, be stressed and argue whether certain purchases were necessary or not. They might start arguing over necessary purchases, like winter coats for children. It depends on what lifestyle they’re living. Each couple and family are different. A couple struggling with poverty level will have a different set of problems than a couple adjusting from upper middle class to middle.
What steps can couples take to ease the financial strain?
They need to have a plan. It could mean one or the other might need more schooling so they can get a better job in the future or find a way to support their spouse so the other can go to school. Also, a stay-at-home mom might need to pick up a part-time job if it's possible. Or it could mean a couple might have to cut back on some expenses.
If couples are in over their heads financially, what should they do?
It depends on the situation. If they live beyond their means and overspend on their credit cards, they need to scale back. If they bought something they couldn't afford, it's time to sell it. That's a question of money management. There's a lot of people that don't understand a credit card is not free money, it's a loan they have to pay back with interest. You can always go to consumer credit counseling. Another thing you can do is switch from banking to a credit union, because they don't have fees and will maintain a small balance versus some banks have fees. If you are dirt poor and don't have anything, it's going to be harder.
What are some constructive ways a couple can manage their finances?
They're going to have to prioritize the bills, but realize the bills have to be paid first. Sometimes it takes some creative managing. Some people they owe are easier to negotiate with than others. They may have a landlord that can wait a few days for the rent or they can apply for energy assistance. There are some people that don't have any wiggle room at all and all the creative juggling in the world won't help. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. Otherwise, they will have to be very careful.
Is a relationship in trouble if finances become the subject of arguments?
These are problems healthy couples are having as well as troubled couples. It's just that the troubled couples are probably not going to cope as well. The whole idea is to help couples find coping skills to make the changes they need. There are a lot of things that can stress a marriage or relationship.
How can couples avoid financial problems?
Be realistic! If you're making $30,000 a year, you cannot live as if you're making $100,000. My biggest piece of advice is, save up for what you want, do not charge it. It's called delayed gratification. Maybe it will be a year before you get it, but they will have avoided a debt. We want something and we don't want to wait. People have forgotten how to save up for things and get things when they can afford it.
These, of course, would be the bad times.
After all, "Money is THE great source of stress in relationships," says Rabin, one of five partners in a Manhattan matrimonial firm,
And so it stands to reason that in such a dire time -- when "virtually every day, I hear from a client who's lost their job," Rabin says -- troubled relationships become more troubled. And once seemingly solid unions begin to fray.
Terry Hey, a clinical therapist for Siouxland Mental Health in Sioux City, agrees with Rabin.
Hey said money issues are one of the biggest causes of stress in a marriage, whether the economy is good or bad.
Talk to local attorneys, and you get a variety of observations about how the current economic downturn is affecting the divorce rate.
Sioux City attorney Brian Vakulskas said he has seen a decline in divorces involving custody disputes and those with few assets.
He said many couples in Siouxland are choosing to stick out their troubled marriages because they can't afford an attorney to divide their assets and parents don't have the funds to fight for custody of their children.
"It's a fight they should fight, but they can't afford to at this point," Vakulskas said.
Vakulskas, who handles around 50 divorces a year, also said he has seen a substantial drop in couples fighting over assets because with the bad economy, a person's bargaining power changes.
"The net worth of people changes as they proceed through the divorce, and so, of course your bargaining power changes when all of a sudden the 401(k) that you had was worth $250,000 back last March is now worth $150,000," he said. "People are losing a lot of bargaining power that way when it comes to negotiating settlements in divorces with people that have considerable assets."
Meanwhile, Elizabeth Rosenbaum, an attorney who practices family law in Sioux City, said she has noticed an increase in dissolution of marriages in Iowa.
"I think that the financial strains are pushing people over the edge," Rosenbaum said. "There were a lot of people living beyond their means to begin with. Now, with the stark reality of our economy, they are just not able to make ends meet."
Vakulskas said divorces are always messy but get nastier when the economy gets rough.
"I think the overall tension of economic stress of being in a bad economy contributes to the nastiness people are willing to engage in," he said.
There's a common notion that one of two U.S. marriages ends in divorce, but many experts believe the real number is more likely between 40 percent and 45 percent. And although statistics show that divorce has been on the decline in America for the past 25 years, after peaking in 1981, it's way too early to know the impact of the current financial crisis on divorce rates.
The divorce rate did drop sharply during the Great Depression -- couples delayed marriages as well -- but that wasn't necessarily a good thing, says Stephanie Coontz, who teaches history and family studies at Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash.
"At the time, people wrote that a silver lining of the Depression was that marriages were being saved," says Coontz. "But domestic violence rates went up. When people are forced by economic pressures to stay in a marriage that has already gone south, that's not good for them or for their kids."
Anecdotal evidence seems to show that divorces may have slowed down in recent months. Coontz says she's heard from some attorneys that they're seeing fewer divorce filings, and the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers got a similar result when it polled its members.
In numbers released last week, 37 percent of the group's 1,600 members said they saw a decrease in divorce cases during national economic downturns. Forty-four percent said they saw no change, and 19 percent said they saw an increase.
"One thing we always see in a bad economy is fear," explains the academy's president, Gary Nickelson, a longtime matrimonial lawyer in Fort Worth, Texas. "People may want out of their marriages -- but they want to be OK, too."
And most divorces, he says, are not rash decisions made during fits of passion. "If you come home and catch your spouse in bed with someone -- then, yeah, you might run and file for divorce," he says. "But that's not how most of these things occur. Most people take a long time to take action. So when the economy turns bad, the marriage may not be the best situation, but at least it's a known."
Nickelson, who's seen that phenomenon in his own practice, is not worried about his business; he says his firm could survive for months simply on work that's waiting to get done. "But are we seeing a lot of new people flooding our doors? No."
-- The Associated Press contributed to this report.
How couples can deal with money issues
Terry Hey, a clinical therapist for Siouxland Mental Health in Sioux City, offers some suggestions about how couples can cope with financial stress.
She said these recommendations only scratch the surface if there are problems in a relationship.
How should couples work through relationship issues caused by finances?
Both people will have to work together and set their priorities. They should try to work together and tell each other, "We can do this," and tell themselves that the bad economy or financial strain is a temporary situation.
What are some signs that finances are causing problems in the relationship?
You fight. They are going to fight, be stressed and argue whether certain purchases were necessary or not. They might start arguing over necessary purchases, like winter coats for children. It depends on what lifestyle they’re living. Each couple and family are different. A couple struggling with poverty level will have a different set of problems than a couple adjusting from upper middle class to middle.
What steps can couples take to ease the financial strain?
They need to have a plan. It could mean one or the other might need more schooling so they can get a better job in the future or find a way to support their spouse so the other can go to school. Also, a stay-at-home mom might need to pick up a part-time job if it's possible. Or it could mean a couple might have to cut back on some expenses.
If couples are in over their heads financially, what should they do?
It depends on the situation. If they live beyond their means and overspend on their credit cards, they need to scale back. If they bought something they couldn't afford, it's time to sell it. That's a question of money management. There's a lot of people that don't understand a credit card is not free money, it's a loan they have to pay back with interest. You can always go to consumer credit counseling. Another thing you can do is switch from banking to a credit union, because they don't have fees and will maintain a small balance versus some banks have fees. If you are dirt poor and don't have anything, it's going to be harder.
What are some constructive ways a couple can manage their finances?
They're going to have to prioritize the bills, but realize the bills have to be paid first. Sometimes it takes some creative managing. Some people they owe are easier to negotiate with than others. They may have a landlord that can wait a few days for the rent or they can apply for energy assistance. There are some people that don't have any wiggle room at all and all the creative juggling in the world won't help. Don't be afraid to reach out for help. Otherwise, they will have to be very careful.
Is a relationship in trouble if finances become the subject of arguments?
These are problems healthy couples are having as well as troubled couples. It's just that the troubled couples are probably not going to cope as well. The whole idea is to help couples find coping skills to make the changes they need. There are a lot of things that can stress a marriage or relationship.
How can couples avoid financial problems?
Be realistic! If you're making $30,000 a year, you cannot live as if you're making $100,000. My biggest piece of advice is, save up for what you want, do not charge it. It's called delayed gratification. Maybe it will be a year before you get it, but they will have avoided a debt. We want something and we don't want to wait. People have forgotten how to save up for things and get things when they can afford it.
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